Month 2: Remember Love

I've just realized July is over and I haven't even blogged about month 2: Remember Love.  This month it's all about the marriage.  This was probably a really good time for this chapter to come along.  Timmy and I are in our eighth year of marriage, and we could use a little push to remember who we were when we first fell in love.

There is a lot in the chapter I did not relate to, but that's not to say I didn't take anything away from reading this chapter.  I just had to take the stories and situations and relate them to my life. 

Chapter 2 Remember Love:

• Quit nagging.
• Don't expect praise or appreciation.
• Fight right.
• No dumping.
• Give proofs of love.

I have decide I will not write about specifics my relationship with Timmy here. It's not the place to divulge that information.  So, sorry to all of you that wanted the juicy details, you won't find them here.  Besides this is MY happiness project, so this is all about me. :)

QUIT NAGGING

I never thought I was much of a nagger.  I think I was wrong.  I realized it when I read...

"I think that an adult should be able to decide whether or not to wear a sweater with out interference from others."

LIGHT BULB!  This "it's for your own good" variety of nagging is me.  I want Timmy to be the best that he can be and for me it's mild suggestions on how to better himself, but he might see it as something negative. 

"The most obvious (and lest appealing) anti nagging technique, of course, was to do the task myself."

Let's face it, if I don't do it myself, it won't be done right.  Which is not really true, it's just not done the way I would have done it.  I should be grateful for anything Timmy does to help me out no matter what form it comes in.  I need to try to be more observant and appreciative of all the tasks that Timmy does for us.  I am certainly guilty of  "unconscious over claiming," the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people.

DON'T EXPECT PRAISE OR APPRECIATION

I think everyone likes to have the things they do not to go un-noticed.  I know I appreciate when Timmy recognizes that there is a lot I do for us and for our household, but sometimes I wonder if he knows, or even cares, how much time and consideration I put into our household.  This little quote is my bottom line on this topic.

"I'm doing this for myself.  This is what I want." I wanted to send out Valentine's cards.  I wanted to clean out the kitchen cabinets.  This sounded selfish, but in fact, it was less selfish, because it meant I wasn't nagging to get a gold start from Jamie or anyone else.  No one else had to notice what I'd done."

FIGHT RIGHT
Fighting is to personal to blog about, but I'll put in my favorite quotes.  Make up your own stories on how you think this relates to us.  :)

Lesson learned? By laughing along with him, I'd made Jamie think that snoring was a good subject for a joke.  I tried to be light, but I couldn't; I wish I could always laugh at myself easily, but in some situations, I can't, and I should have responded honestly, so I could avoid and eventual blowup.  Jamie had had no warning that his comment was going to enrage me.  SO much for "fight right." This time, I hadn't managed to keep my resolution - I could even bring myself to apologize, I just wanted to forget about it - but next time, I'd do better (I hoped).

It takes at lease 5 positive marital actions to offset one critical or destructive action, so one way to strengthen a marriage is to make sure that the positive far outweighs the negative. 

NO DUMPING
This I found pretty interesting...

There is a difference in how men and women approach intimacy.  Although men and women agree that sharing activities are important, a women's idea of an intimate moment is a face-to-face conversation, while men feel close when they work or play sitting alongside someone. Because men have this low standard for what qualifies as intimacy, both men and women find relationships with women to be more intimate and enjoyable than those with men.  Women have more feelings for empathy for other people than men do (though women and men have about the same degree of empathy for animals, whatever that means.)  In fact, for both men and women the most reliable predictor of not being lonely is the amount of contact with women.  Time spent with men doesn't make a difference.

This is why I get so frustrated when Timmy doesn't want to have long conversations.  When I need to vent I call up Angie, or my mom.  I don't believe Timmy understands venting (or dumping) so I don't bother him with it.  I don't know if it's something he would even be interested in hearing about, so I just don't and I give him the readers digest version afterwards. He doesn't want to spend hours over wine trying to pump up my self confidence.  That's a job for Angie (THANKS ANG)!

GIVE PROOFS OF LOVE

"There is not love; there are only proofs of love." - Pierre Reverdy

Over and over again this chapter reminded me of a book Timmy's pastor gave to us for a wedding gift, Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard F. Jr. Harley.  In the book Harley talks about love banks and making deposits of love in the other's bank.  When you take a deposit out (nagging, yelling, argument, etc.) you had to make sure you created a loving deposit to make up the deficit (hugs, sorry's, kind gestures, etc.)

To often I focus on the things that annoy me: postponing scheduling decisions; not answering my texts, emails, phone calls; I feel he doesn't fully appreciate what I do to make our lives run smoothly.  Instead I should remember all the things I love about him.  He's kind, funny, brilliant, thoughtful, loving, sweet, a good puppy daddy, good son, and son in law, creative, hardworking, a trooper, athletic.  He kisses me and says "I love you," every time we part and before we fall asleep, he comes to my side at parties and puts his arm around me, he rarely show irritation or criticizes me.  AND SO MUCH MORE!   I'm so lucky.

All in all to be happy, I need to generate more positive emotions, so that I increase the amount of joy, pleasure, enthusiasm, gratitude, intimacy, and friendship in my life.  That's not hard to understand.  I also need to remove sources of bad feelings, so that I suffer less guilt, remorse, shame, anger, envy, boredom and irritation.

"Is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth.  We are happy we we are growing" - William Butler Yeats

Nine Tips for Exercise

In Gretchen's book The Happiness Project she has included tips for a lot of the most common problem areas.  Here are the nine tips tot stick to a schedule for regular exercise. (My thoughts look like this.)

1. Always exercise on Monday's.  (So true, I find I workout so much more in a week when I hit a Monday workout.  If I miss a Monday I find myself putting off workouts and always saying "I'll start again on Monday.)
2. Never skip exercising for two day in a row.  (This is so easy to do and makes so much sense!  Why am I always putting off the inevitable workout?  I should just do it!)
3. Don't link exercise to weight loos.  Exercise for sanity not vanity.  (I need to drill this into my head.)
4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort.  (Timmy actually has me think this way.  Even if it's not the best workout, give yourself credit for getting up and moving.)
5. Think about context.  Do you hate the loud music in your gym?  Re-think your choices. (I'm currently working on finding my perfect place.)
6. Exercise frequently.  If you think you're staying in shape by playing pick-up basketball, you should be playing four or five times a week. (Can anyone explain the basketball thing? I do get the exercise frequently.)
7. If you don't  have time to both exercise and take a shower, find exercise where you don't need to shower afterward.  (Is it just me, but I don't feel like I did a workout if I don't sweat.  I like to feel the results of my workout.)
8. Spend money to make exercising more pleasant.  Exercise is a high life priority, so this is the place to splurge a bit if that helps.  (Is this permission to buy new clothes?  OKAY!)
9. Remember: Belonging to a gym doesn't mean you go the gym, and just because you were in shape in college doesn't mean you're in shape now.  (Well put.  Enough said.)

Wise Words

"The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.  Because no matter what happens  you will always be with you" - Diane von Furstenberg

One Bum Day Only!

I'm an actress, a dancer, an okay singer, a performer.  I've been doing this almost my whole life.  Since I was 10 actually, so I should be used to the rejection that comes with the territory.  And honestly I am pretty good about it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't shake my confidence some.

I had an audition last night for a show I was pretty excited about.  I'm not sure if it was the actually show that made me excited or just the thought of being back on stage.  Either way potential show = me stoked.  There's a nice crowd, I catch up with some old friends, it's a nice time.  I was confident in what I put out there.  So I go home high on life and play the waiting game.  This is the worst part.  It's like waiting for a call after a fantastic first date. 

Nine o'clock rolls around, auditions are officially over and I should be getting that call any second now.  Nine thirty...ten...ten thirty...eleven.  I head off to bed without a final resolution.  I have dreams about the show and me showing up to the first rehearsal, but told to go home.  I know when I wake up from this nightmare, I didn't get the part.  So when my phone rings this morning I wasn't surprised to here the "thanks, but no thanks."

Every time I'm rejected in one way or another I allow myself one bummed day. Twenty fours hours to be upset, mad, whiny, scheming, BUMMED.  I don't know where I come up with this rule.  Probably from mom, she's pretty smart like that.  It's also helps to talk it out to friends, so I'm heading over to the amazing Knapp's tonight for a nice evening of venting.

SIDE NOTE:  I was just checking my friends FB page and I think he put it best.  "I have been in this business a long time.  Now if I don't want to do a show it's not because I got stage fright.  It's because some creature form beyond doesn't want me to the the show."
I think that says it all.  Sums everything up in a nice little package.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

A friend of mine passes this along to me.  I love the simple things that can crack a smile.

1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, "We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
8. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.